Christmas Eve 2006

As I sit in my family room with the sun shining in I think of how quite my house is. I long to here the little pitter padder of feet of a child. I said to Jeff last night as I was making my famous Pizzells..."I hope this is our last childless christmas, I don't think I could take another one." My husband's family is coming for dinner along with my parents and brother. Jeff's sister has 2 boy 3 and 5, but I don't get joy from having them over nad spending time with her children. Maybe it is the Green monster in side of me. I see them come to our house and everyone gushs over them. When will our time come? I know there is a plan, I know that our time WILL come, but will it be when I am 40? or 36? Jeff is so patient, so caring, so wonderful. He always makes me laugh, even when I want to cry. I guess the holdays aren't what they use to be for me. Maybe it will be different when we have our baby home with us. Maybe, it will be more special, more like home.

Waiting for a child this time of the year is a crule thing. Seeing all of our friends with their children, enjoying the holidays...how do you do it when you have no childen. How do you enjoy the holidays? I look in the paper every sunday and see the couples that have been married for 50,60 or even 65 years and 99% of them have children. Will we be that 1% that doesn't when we hit 50 years? I will be 79 and Jeff will be 81. I can't imagen being that old and never having a baby, child, teenager and an adult call me mom. I may sound bitter but it is a cold hard fact, this is how I feel.

I know my life should be centered around not having children, but when we are gone who will inherate our antiques, my jewlery that my husband gave me. No one will cherish them the way our children would. My necklace that Jeff gave me for our first christmas, the one I want our daughter to wear on her wedding day. Will we have a daughter? I sound so morose on Christmas eve and I am sorry for that but this is how i feel. This is why I have a blog...to let my feelings out.

Jeff's grandmother is in the hospital this holiday season. We are not sure how long she will make it. His mother is very upset, I know she is worried. I love my mother in law...I could have asked for any better. I hope grandma myc gets better or if her time comes, let her be a peace and meet the lord. God Bless and enjoy your holiday with your family!